I forgive you…

I forgive you.

It has taken me five years, but I can finally say these three words and truly mean them.

I forgive you.

It has been five excruciating years.  I have held on to this sadness and this rage for so long, I can’t remember what it’s like to look at you without feeling such grief.  Trust me, I have tried to move on, I have tried to let go, and still, there it is.

At first, I thought it was my fault. I thought I had done something to make you go away.  Maybe I said something? Maybe I didn’t say the right things?  I would lay awake, wondering how I could act better, do better, or say the right thing. Maybe I was too weak, and you couldn’t watch my struggles?

When he told you he was dying, you wrapped your arms around us both. We cried. We were all scared. He was dying. You wiped your tears away and looked at us both and promised you would be there for us.

You promised…

I don’t even know how it happened. It was so subtle. You were busy… Of course, you were.  You had to work, or you had obligations.  You always needed to be somewhere else.

At first, I made excuses for you. Because I knew there would be no way you would leave me to go through this alone.  I knew you cared. You were just busy.

But with every missed phone call, every text message left unanswered, you were in fact, telling me your truth.

You couldn’t handle it.

It’s okay now. I finally understand.  Every Facebook picture that showed you laughing, and smiling, each weekend out on the town.  The ski trips, the vacations…I saw them all.  I wanted to be happy for you.  I really did.  At first, I even made comments of how happy I was for you.  After all, you still needed to live your life. Sometimes, I would stare at those pictures…detesting you. You were so happy, and carefree…

You promised…

I stayed by his side.  I took him to every doctor’s appointment.  I kept notes, I kept files, and eventually, I kept sheets, organizing every medicine, every procedure and how to handle each situation, just in case you came back.  I wanted to show you what I was going through.  I needed you to see what WE were going through together. I needed you to see how overwhelming it was, the day-to-day routine of dying.

I began to hate you. Your text messages saying you would stop by with an old friend.  I would dress him and get him ready. He would pick out that shirt that he knew I couldn’t stand, the one with the holes.  But it was his favorite because YOU gave it to him. He would be so excited to see you. The excitement would slowly fade from his eyes when he realized you would be later than you said. He would wheel himself back into his bedroom, his shoulders slumped…hoping you were coming.

 

An hour…maybe two would go by before you would finally appear.  The knock on the door, and the loud jovial booming voice, the announcement that you had arrived.  Maybe you didn’t understand that we had nothing to do besides wait for you.  You would bring another friend, and it was clear you had been drinking, and having fun. Making plans to continue your carousing. We were just a quick stop on your way onto your next adventure.  And just like that, you would be gone again.  His smile would fade, and he would turn inside himself, wondering why you wouldn’t come around. I started to despise you.

You promised…

You promised I wouldn’t have to go through this alone. Where were you when he became weaker?  Where were you when I had to learn about suction machines, and oxygen rates?  Where were you when we discussed bolus feedings, and then gravity feedings?  Where were you when he was choking?  I would pound on his back and scream, as his face would turn purple.  I would be shaking, wondering if the ambulance could get there in time, or if I could help him breathe in time…Where were you?

You promised…

I would cry.  I never did that in front of him. I saved that for the times he couldn’t see me.  Standing, with the water running down my back, my hot tears matching the stream swirling through the drain. I would let myself cry, folding my arms around myself, and rock. Where were you when I need someone to wrap their arms around me and tell me I would be okay, that we would get through this? I needed someone to be there for me…

You promised…

We would try not to become too hopeful if we heard about a “breakthrough” or “new therapy.” We would try…I began loathing those who found optimism in every ALS walk, or those who rallied to raise money.  Why? What was the point?

I began hating Facebook.  Suddenly, ALS was everywhere, and everyone knew how to cure him.  Where were you when we would get article after article sent our way? Would you have demanded people stop sending snake oil cures? Would you have intervened when those well intention people mentioned traveling to Israel or South America for the latest Stem Cell Therapy? Would you have rolled your eyes with me, as we read yet another well-meaning person’s attempt to convince us he had Lymes? Disease, or it was simply a misdiagnosis?  Maybe others wanted to find some sliver of hope as well? I had lost mine long ago…

You promised…

Five years has come and gone.  Your visits were short, and few, maybe a handful of times. It must have been so uncomfortable for you to see him like that.  To see the tubes, and the skin hanging where muscles used to be. To not be able to hear his voice anymore. I know it bothered you when he lost his voice. I could see it on your face.  You kept trying to talk to him, but he could only grunt…and when his lips couldn’t contain the spit he could no longer swallow, it fell slowly from the edge of his mouth, onto the towel I always had placed under his chin.  I saw it then.  The look of panic in your eyes.

Did you finally see us? The exhaustion on both of our faces? Did you feel regret for not coming by more often, or did you just want to run away again, to escape looking at someone you claimed to love, to get away as fast as possible?  I wanted to run away too.  Did I ever tell you that?  I was scared, and I was so alone, and I had no one.

He had me though…

Because I promised him I would never leave him.

And I kept that promise…

At the funeral, when you tried to hug me, and I walked right past, I am sure it must have stung a little. I don’t think at the time I could have mustered up a fake smile. I have built my wall.  I no longer need you.  I handled everything, alone. I wonder if you regret that?

But I kept my promise.. 

Everyone told me. You know how small towns are.  They all had to make sure I understood what you were going through.  They told me how distraught you were that he was dying.  You were so sad, it was tearing you up from the inside.  They would shake their heads in pity, obviously so worried about how you would handle it.

But I have lived with a grief unlike anything you will ever understand.  I hope you never understand it.  I have also gained so much from this experience. You left, you chose to walk away when it became too difficult for you. But I chose him… I still choose him, even knowing everything I know now.  I still choose being right there by his side.  I made a promise and I kept it.  And for that, I have no regrets. I can now walk away, with my head held high, knowing I loved him and cared for him the best that I could.  I am tired. I want to close my eyes and find peace, and I cannot carry the burden of his disappointment in those who let him down. I do not want to feel grief or sadness anymore.  Not towards you, or him, or anyone else.

I forgive you…