The best of intentions….

“Let me know if you need anything!”

This phrase is texted, said or otherwise conveyed to people of all sorts: to caregivers of all types, and to people who are either sick, going through a loss, or even to those who are going through life changes, (i.e. new births, moving etc)

This phrase is also one of the worst phrases that have ever been uttered, with the best of intentions, of course, to people around the world!

We rush about our day, see people we know and say these things in passing.  This phrase is like saying, “Hello, how are you?” (As the person continues walking away!)

It may be said with the best of intentions, but is in fact, the worst statement you could possibly say to someone!

Let me help you help someone else with ideas and tips for how to be truly helpful to those around you!

#1 SHOW UP!

Do not just send a text message with a well-meaning hello and then assume that they will ask if they need something. This places the burden on them, which isn’t fair!  Most people do not want to be a burden to anyone.  They will not want their ego or pride bruised by asking for favors and possibly have them turned down.

Show up! It is that simple.  Take some time out of your week and stop by.  Call them and ask them when a good time would be to come over for a visit.  Bring flowers, or some coffee or a beverage and spend time with this person.   (And please…put your damn phone down!!! Be present!  It may be uncomfortable to sit with someone who is sick but imagine how the person feels if you are constantly checking your phone!)

P.S. Do not offer to show up and cancel repeatedly either. It is rude and will make the person you are offering to visit feel not only like they are inconveniencing YOU but makes them feel as if they are not actually important, but that you are doing this to make yourself feel better!

#2 OFFER TANGIBLE THINGS!

Instead of offering something that is vague, offer something tangible.  Offer to bring over a meal that can be frozen for later. Offer to carpool the kids if it is already on your way. Offer to run some errands or pick up some groceries or to mow the yard. Offer to take their car to the car wash or vacuum it out for them. Offer something that you think you would appreciate if you were in their situation.

# 3 EMPATHIZE! DO NOT SYMPATHIZE!

Empathy is the ability to understand what another person is going through.  Take a moment to try to understand things from their perspective, and then offer something that you think you would appreciate if you were in that situation.

Sympathy is feeling sorry or pity for another. DO NOT do this.

There is a clear difference between the two.

#4 DO NOT JUDGE!

Many people do not ask for help when it is offered because they are worried about being judged!  If someone came over to my house right now, they would find some dishes in my sink, a stack of clothes on my dresser that I haven’t hung up yet (I absolutely hate laundry, it is my arch nemesis!) and they would find a messy garage, and who knows what else!

However, unless you live my life, you have absolutely no room to judge me! I have woken up 8 times in the middle of the night to adjust my husband. Three times, I had to physically get out of bed and sit him up, and remove his mask, etc etc.  I am often sleep deprived and there are many times that things around the house do not seem like a priority.  If a spotless house is your priority, great! But do not come over to my house and judge me for not taking care of your priorities. Come over because you really want to be with me or offer help. Making me feel judged will only lead to anxiety and more stress.

#5 EXPECT NOTHING IN RETURN!

So, you brought a meal over…Great!  Please don’t expect accolades posted on Facebook or a thank you card in return! If you are doing a gesture to be helpful, remember that it is a gesture that should be given out of friendship or love, not for your own ego or pride!

#6 TAKE THE KIDS!

Okay, this one is purely selfish on my part!  I have three children.  I have a terminally ill husband. While we still get out and about right now, I know that my children do not get to do as much as they used to.  We have to plan absolutely every detail now.  We have to plan showers, bathrooms, and medical equipment back up and battery charging. We have to plan wheelchair accessibility, and ease of travel.  We even have to plan for the weather, as my husband cannot handle extreme temperatures.

If someone offered to take my children along with them to a movie, or swimming or on a fun excursion, that would help alleviate my guilt.  I cannot always take them, and they are often left out of going to places because of this.

#7 BE AWARE THAT THINGS ARE DIFFERENT NOW

No matter what the circumstance is, whether it is a new baby, or an extreme life-altering situation, be aware that this person’s life will forever be different. This person’s routine will be different. The things they were once comfortable doing, may not be as easy to do.  They may not be able to communicate their frustrations or their new anxieties out of fear of judgement or ridicule.  Spending time doing what they used to do may not be as easy. Try to meet them half way.  Your invitations are appreciated, and just because they do not show anymore, doesn’t mean the friendship isn’t valued. It is just different.

Try to communicate how you can make their life easier, instead of expecting them to continue with the status quo!

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 “Let me know if you need anything.”

A phrase that is said with the best of intentions yet grates on my nerves.

Please don’t think I am unappreciative!

I am not!

But this simple phrase fills me with so much anxiety, causing so much stress and frustration. I will default with a smile, say “Thank You” and go about my day.

I am a caregiver, a wife, and a mother, among other things.  However, I cannot juggle it all, and I cannot ask for help!  My pride will not let me lean on others. I am not the only one who feels this way either. My husband is sick, and yet he is filled with dread asking for help as well. We understand how busy everyone else is. We also feel intense guilt if we feel we have added an extra burden to someone else. Hopefully these little tips have been helpful

If you want to be a part of someone’s life, you will make an effort. If you do not, you will make an excuse. It is really that simple…