Beep Beep!

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1:45 am

Beep beep!

“What was that?”

I lay there for a second, not really knowing what he is talking about. Matthew hasn’t slept all night, and I can’t figure out if he is just mumbling or needs something.

Beep beep!

I hear it too…

I sigh…the familiar sound of the dead battery in a smoke alarm. I wait, secretly hoping it might stop, but thirty seconds later…

Beep beep!

I decide I better take care of it before it wakes everyone in the house.

I groan…I am perfectly comfortable and all snuggled in. I don’t want to get up. For a moment, I just want someone else to take care of this. Matthew has already woken me at least 4 times in the last 3 hours. I didn’t want to get up. But as is the case in every situation in my life, there really isn’t anyone who is going to take care of this for me. I swing my legs over the bed and make my way up the stairs to where that offense noise is coming from.

There is no choice, I turn on the light in my daughter’s room to see what I am doing. She groans, and glares at me. I look around her room and moan. It is absolutely disgusting! Clothes, shoes, and makeup are strewn around the room. And old coffee cups, and mass quantities of old wrappers, and containers of junk food that had been snuck upstairs and kept hidden in a teenager’s room. I tell her she seriously needs to clean her room, even though I am sure this probably isn’t the time to be having this discussion.

I am fumbling with the smoke detector, trying to find where the battery is hidden. I rip the face off.

Nope!

That wasn’t it. I finally flip it over and see the small slot that needs a screw driver to pry it open. I settle for a dirty fork from the teenager’s bedroom.

I pull the battery out.

Satisfied that it will shut up and everyone can go back to sleep, I go to step off the chair.

Beep beep!

I quickly glance up.

Seriously?

I step back up on the chair. The mutilated smoke alarm is mocking me.

I understand just enough electrical to think I am proficient. I am proven drastically wrong in this moment. I pull out the small attachment of black and red wires still providing electricity to the dreaded alarm.

BIG MISTAKE!

FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!

The entire alarm system throughout the house is suddenly screaming at me.
I am reaching above my head, my shoulders burning from trying to hold my arms up for so long, as I am trying to jam the wires back into the alarm.

Finally…quiet…

Beep beep!

Damnit!

I hear Matthew trying to yell downstairs.

“What’s going on?”

I run downstairs.

“I don’t know how to make it stop!” I tell him, as I walk towards him. He is stuck lying there, his mask on his face, mumbling.
I get my head closer to his.

“What?”
“I have to pee!”

I groaned again…

“You scared the pee right outta me!” He is giggleing, but I don’t find the humor in this situation.

Beep Beep!

I grab the urinal and roll him over towards me.

I am feeling a sense of urgency, but am trying to be understanding to his needs..but I really just want him to hurry up and pee!

Beep Beep!

“Go find batteries”

Sure! Simple enough. I roll him back on his back, sit his bed up and remove his mask. If I have to be awake, then so does he!

Beep beep!

I walk out to the kitchen. The dishes from the night before are stacked in the sink. Food bits are still stuck to the plates. The pots and pans are still on the stove.
The teenager had put the food away but didn’t help with the dishes. Nor did the other two. Oh well! The teenager had gone to school all day, worked and gotten home late. My mood is bad enough that I don’t feel like nit picking, and I was just as capable of cleaning the kitchen last night after all my running around adventures, and tuck ins and such.

Beep beep!

I open the junk drawer. It is referred to as the junk drawer for a reason. Screw drivers, bit and pieces of miscellaneous things that will never actually be put back together are lying in there, awaiting the day I realize they belong in the garbage. There are more batteries than any one family needs in there. But do you think I can find the one size I need? Nope!

Beep beep!
Beep beep!

I look up towards the stairs…
Matthew is trying to yell from the bedroom.
“You need a D volt!”
I know this. I know he knows I know this. At this point, I am sure my children are all awake, so I yell from the kitchen.
“I know!!! And we don’t have any!”
“Look in something that has one, and take it out”

Beep beep!
Beep beep!

I go back upstairs, confused why the beeping is multiplying.
Teenager’s smoke alarm is beeping….and now another one is beeping!
I run downstairs, grab my shoes and tell Matthew I will be right back.
There is no choice, I have to go to the store and get batteries.
I jump in my car, in an over-sized mickey mouse t-shirt, yoga pants and my hair piled on top of my head. I assume there won’t be a soul around.

I assumed wrong.

2:30 am

There are at least 6 cars at the gas station
At this point, I really just want to get in and out!
I duck my head, run inside and grab four D volt batteries! Just in case!
Did you know those damn things are six dollars a-piece!!?
Why I am grumbling about the cost is beyond me, but at this point I am seriously irritated and just want the beeping to stop!
I drive like a maniac home and run inside.

Beep beep!
Beep beep!
Beep beep!

What the…?

I glance in the bedroom to find Matthew is falling over. I have to go and pull him to an upright position.
There are now three smoke alarms going off upstairs. I run upstairs and start replacing the batteries. I am patting myself on the back for being smart enough to grab several packages of batteries.

One smoke alarm, done!

Beep beep!

Hmmm…

Maybe I need to replace all of them before they stop?
Then I hear another one beeping downstairs.
Matthew is yelling downstairs…

“There’s another one down here going off!”

I switch two more batteries…
Still no change.
I run outside, and to the breaker box
I start flipping the circuits, trying to find which one is responsible for bringing electricity to the smoke alarms. No label…nothing…

I try the foyer, the bedrooms and bathrooms.

Beep beep!
Beep beep!
Beep beep!
Beep beep!

The beeping won’t stop!

I am Youtubing videos trying to figure out why. They are less than helpful. I am seriously at my wits end! I am texting some friends, apologizing for waking them, but at a complete loss of what to do. Poor Matthew is trying to give me advice, but he can’t look and see what I am doing, so he just tells me to do what I have already tried doing. Google! I attempt googling the brand. I am looking up the brand of smoke alarm. It says cut off the power supply. I can’t find the power supply!
If the batteries are replaced and they keep beeping, it means the smoke alarm is at “END-OF-LIFE”

Are you freaking kidding me?

Four smoke detectors are at the end of their life?
I didn’t even know they could die!
If I unplug them, the entire house starts screaming at me:
FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!
At this point, the kids just went back to sleep with a pillow over their head.
I am completely at my wits end…

3:00 am

I call 911…

I think this may be one of the most embarrassing moments of my life..

“911- what is your emergence?”

“Hello, this isn’t an emergency. But I can’t get my smoke detectors to stop beeping and I have tried everything”
I am pretty sure I am hanging my head in shame. The dispatcher makes me tell the entire story from the beginning. Yep, I feel like an idiot!

“I will send out a man to help now”
I hang up, feeling sheepish. Matthew tries to assure me that they see situations like this all the time.

Then I remember!

OH MY GOD! The dishes are piled all over, and I made salmon last night!

I don’t have a sense of smell. Yes, you read that right. I somehow lost my sense of smell in the last couple of years, but I am pretty sure the house probably wreaks like fish!
I scramble to start cleaning when I hear the knock at the door.

Damn!

I go to open the front door, and there are two huge guys at my front door, and a massive fire truck parked right in front of my house.

I am literally groaning inside!

The beeping hasn’t stopped but to add even more chaos to the situation, I closed the door, but of course there is another fireman walking in! I now have three huge firemen in my entry way, and my two dogs are going crazy! My old dog, who would let a burglar come in and never make a move, is now vehemently snarling and barking at these men, as the other dog is yelping and barking as well!

I am trying to calm them, but they are going crazy!
Two firemen walk upstairs…while the other one is trying to calm the dogs. Then, one of the dogs decides to pee all over the fireman!
Between the constant beeping, and the dogs barking, and Matthew asking what’s going on, I am literally just turning in circles.
The younger fireman of course walks into my kitchen.
He wants to help clean up the dog mess with paper towels.
I don’t have paper towels!
I am pretty sure I can’t be more embarrassed than I am right now…
Then I look up and realize that two of the firemen have just seen my teenager’s bedroom…
I.AM.Mortified!

At this point, I am pretty sure that if it is going to go wrong, tonight is the night for it to happen.

Suddenly, the beeping stops…

THANK YOU!

3:45 am – firemen leave…

4:00 am – I finally fall back asleep…

6:00 am – middle daughter wakes me up to talk
UGH! It is going to be a long day!

****
Long story, I know, but there is a lesson to be learned here!
Smoke alarms can actually die!
Three out of the four were seven years past their expiration date! My house is only 7 years old. That means the contractor put in old smoke alarms. Here is another helpful tip… put a carbon monoxide detector down low at an outlet. Carbon Monoxide stays low, and if the alarm goes off, it may be too late, as they are often installed too high to make a difference!
Another lesson learned…
Just do the damn dishes…especially if you cooked fish the night before. Those poor firemen. They were above and beyond polite, but inside, they had to be gagging!
I will be hanging my head in shame until the trauma of last night fades from my memory…but if it made you chuckle just a little…well, I guess there is that!

 Matthew Wild

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