sorry you had to see that…

I’m sorry you had to see me like that today.

I try to keep that side of me hidden from the rest of the world. Well, except Matthew. He has seen it a few times. If only I had known you were going to walk in, I would have pulled it together before you saw me. You seemed shocked to see me like that.

Sorry.

It doesn’t happen all the time. Well, actually, that’s not true… it seems to be happening more frequently lately. Maybe it’s the holidays? Maybe it’s my birthday that is fast approaching? Maybe it is all the what if’s, the why’s, or the somedays….Trust me, if I could figure out how to get it under control, I would. I would do anything to numb this…to make it stop…I wish I could make it go away.

I wish I could describe what it is like. It is so strange, especially in the moment. One minute, life is fine and then, before I know it, I am just so angry.  I didn’t mean to let it happen. Sometimes these emotions just seem to overpower me.

Today though…today was different.

I was so tired this morning.

I just wanted to sleep.  Matthew wanted to sit up.  It wasn’t even 6 o’clock in the morning. Then I remembered…the house was a mess and my list of to-do’s is piling higher and higher.  I know, I know…I will always have so much to do, but today….today, it just seemed overwhelming.  My wrists and hands were already aching..and I remembered that it’s a “Shower Day.”

Matthew wants to sits up, but less than ten minutes later, he wants to go back to sleep. I am sorry. I know I shouldn’t be complaining. After all, I can still sit up. He can’t.

I know. This isn’t about me. I am not the one dying….There is no reason for me to be so irritated, right?

Sometimes, with every little need, from him…from my children…from everyone around me, I feel selfish for wanting something for myself. I want to ask what happens to me when I need something? What then?  But I shouldn’t think like that…should I?

I am the one who must get up, take his mask off…then wait till he decides if he wants to go back to sleep or not.

I am the one who has to reach for the cup to give him a drink.

I am the one picks him up and transfers him.

I am the one who helps him use the bathroom.

I am the one who feeds him.

I am the one who covers him when he is cold.

I am the one…

Today wasn’t any different than yesterday. And it won’t be any different than tomorrow.

But today, with each little need, and want or request, and with each thought of what I should get done: the shopping, the cleaning, the errands, the bills, the appointments, the kids, the animals, the cooking, the showering, rearranging the garage, finish the Christmas decorations, the homework….

It just seemed like so much.

And I snapped..

I never said a word. No outward reaction could be seen. But inside, I was seething.

I became so angry.

So angry, that if someone had said something to me in that exact moment…I could see myself going insane!

There was a big possibility that would have seen my face splashed across the newspapers, “Caregiver and wife of man with ALS has gone BESERK! Aggravated Assault and Battery Charges have been filed!”

I laid there, trying to force myself back to sleep. But soon the kids were running through the house, the doors were slamming,.the footsteps were stomping…and then with a quick kiss, they were gone.

Too quiet. Too easy to think, to remember, to analyze, to contemplate, and then over-react.

What was it my therapist told me?

“Anger is really just a mask for sadness and fear. It’s easier and more powerful to feel anger. Imagine when you finally admit what you are really feeling.”

I check with myself.

Yep, that is a whole lotta anger, ready to come pouring out of every cell in my body.

Instead of the rush of endorphins…the rage…instead, I realize…he is right.

I am not angry…I am sad

I am so unbelievably sad, and scared.

And just like that…I begin to cry.

I fall into a million pieces.

I am sorry that you walked in during the part where I was trying to put myself back together.

That probably wasn’t a pretty sight for anyone to have to witness.

It’s okay though.

I spent the day gluing all those cracks and crevices together.

I can’t say that I am back to my usual self.  There were a lot of pieces today.

And I can’t say I am going to sit in the emotion of sadness anytime soon. Apparently, that is a powerful emotion.

Instead, I turned it back into anger.

Anger I can manage.

Anger I can control.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you I am sorry.  I hate when someone sees that side of me. It feels far too vulnerable, and too much to have to burden someone else with. And I just wanted to apologize for bothering you…

Let’s just pretend this never happened…what do you say?

 

❤ Matthew Wild